Dearest~  Kerwin
Did I hear you right'Cause I thought you saidLet's think it over
You have been my lifeAnd I never plannedGrowing old without you
Shadows bleeding through the lightWhere a love once shined so brightCame without a reason
Don't let go on us tonightLove's not always black and whiteWell, haven't I always loved you?
But when I need youYou're almost hereAnd I know that's not enough
But when I'm with youI'm close to tears'Cause you're only almost here
I would change the worldIf I had a chanceOh, won't you let me
Treat me like a childThrow your arms around mePlease protect me
Bruised and battered by your wordsDazed and shattered how it hurtsOh, haven't I always loved you
But when I need youYou're almost hereAnd I know that's not enough
And when I'm with youI'm close to tears'Cause you're only almost here
Bruised and battered by your wordsDazed and shattered now it hurtsHaven't I always loved you
But when I need youYou're almost here(Well, I never knew how far behind I'd left you)
And when I hold youYou're almost here(Well, I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)
And now I'm with youI'm close to tears'Cause I know I'm almost hereOnly almost here

Wonder whats going on ? perhaps,most prolly he's leading his life per normal , asking me to do the same but sorry i cant.! where do i stand ??? we have problems that i wanna fix it but he never wanted to talk to me and fix it tgt as a whole ~ am i supposed to watch you leave,give us up or just  wait for directions :'( trust was part of the big issue but i can tell  him i trust him if ......and it really got better after that BIG fight! sigh ~ i know he sort of got reunited with the clique he missed most i guess...!!! trying my best to know him better and all ...i never wanted to spent a moment apart....some may say give me up because i'm this and that ...everyone wants to lead a simple life without dramas without too much quarrels .! we barely tried officially , i know we can do it if we try...but he's tired of trying,he probably felt better with his friends now ~ i'm so afraid this period of time he wld fall for someone else or sth ...no text no nth....i dont wanna pressurized him either....we used to comfort each other before getting "tgt" and now i feel useless not being able to do so anymore...and i wished he cld comfort me too liked before...those days!!~ i want to be the one who change ur life,make u smile and make your life better . i want you to tell me "you;ve changed my life ard " ~ but i guess now i'm doing the total opposite!?!? we once said , ( i might be a good friend but not a good lover ) i wanna prove that wrong now by saying i can be your good friend and lover. Its easier said than done.But i believe  if we talk it out seriously,face to face, we will find a solution to US ~


i wanna be a better person for you , for the uknown future ahead of us. I got ignored,pushed away by you each time i try come closer to you now, it hurts so much . So much i  missed being in ur arms agn , hearing you say that you love me .All that has stopped every since few weeks back ? All i want is a simple life with you , feel special thats all . Of course we need to have our own space with our friends and all but sometimes i wonder why you dont call me along anymore ? is there sth wrong with me ???


I've done my best ,i tried everything to save us but now it lies with him. Everyday my heart beats so fast,feeling the anxiety of the answer i've been waiting for ~i live in fear not wanting you to know my weakness , not wanting to know i'm always here for u so that u wldnt take advantage of that. but its killing me inside.....good and bad times we braved tgt , now .........whats the ending?


i really wanna know how u feel about me honestly now ,
i was tired too , i had the thought of giving us up but i didnt want to .


holding on ,waiting for you to tell me ......to leave or to stay :'(.

i want us to be fine <3

it hurts so bad , 
its so pain 
its unbearable :'(


Why

Do you know ?

Reading the previous post i wrote was kinda harsh ,sorry but i in a state of MIX emotions and all! Maybe you wont noticed but i find that you're probably getting sick and tired of me . you said you dont wanna disturb me etc...but i guessed you just dont wanna talk to me or there's nth much to talk bout ? righT? too paranoid at times ,i admit but your actions are making me more afraid of many things now .

17july :

After sch i was deciding if i should go look for you . I felt that you left me hanging .I received no texts from you , only tweets to the world i had to find out from there that you want  time out.whole night, whole time in lect i was thinking n thinking....i cldnt slp , i fell ill in the night which u didnt know , i felt terrible...i kept crying and crying....i literally cld feel my heart aching ! i SWEAR !!!! :'( WHY WHY WHY  it hurts so bad why not we just end it right???  but i dont want to . i dont wanna lose you and everything..i sat downstairs your block , stonning and i started crying to myself thinking all that had happened was seriously a nightmare ...went to help you buy food and before i entered ur place i texted u and the replies were encouraging but still i stood outside ur house for another 45 mins, i was afraid, scared and all that might happen.Surprisingly you were happy and all , i' m glad you were happy and all after being angsty at me...i saw the total opposite of me at that time when i saw u, but i'm glad you're happy.i really wanted to talk to you bout this SNOWBALL PROBLEM , 

but when i asked why didnt u text me instead of tweeting all you replied: I DK ! watch tvesssss **** sigh i just gave up talking bout the rest.....

seeing you at that point , made me feel XYZ! i wished u wld hugged me tightly and say dont leave me liked  you did when u were back from taiwan...but this tme round you were the one who wanted to leave ~  but i was touched you gave me medicine & all ~ after i woke up i felt really giddy and still unwell ~

i had to work , i wished i didnt, to have more time with you ! when i left you didnt even text me at all :'(  i felt it was really the end....sigh you will be clubbing later in the night, with ur army friends and with ur clique of gfs~ i'm really not used to it , i cannot accept it but i know to make it work i have try~~~~ 

just i dk why you wont ask me anymore.....i'm too bad to be seen with you infront of your friends??? thats why u know why i feel paranoid and insecure when u kept asking your gfs instead of me...~ not that i wanna tag every single time....! just feel unwanted by you now a days !!~ i need assurance and a good talk bout this :'( if not it will keep on dragging :( 

the only thing stucked in my head is ( you couldnt take my insecurities anymore and it was overbearing ) and all the tweets you tweeted that night....) i really wished you didnt tell the whole world .. it was hurting to see what you said ....

i dk how u cld live your life normally now !? whereas i'm suffering like shit : ( is this my karma ? i'm missing you here and all while you .........sigh guess clubbing is all you're looking forward to now....hopefully we will have a great H2H talk after that .

16 july 2012


I've been feeling upset all these while but nv felt this extreme since my last broke up . 
To me though we aint tgt, it felt liked we just broken up .


Yeah i wished you wouldnt club this wednesday . 
Honestly i keep saying i have faith n trust in you 
but deep inside mb 80 % is true ~ 
Also because u've just recovered i dont want u to fall sick agn and smoke agn ! 


you dont know how worried am i !
though i was damn tired last wed i stayed up just to wait for you ~

seeing your tweet, you're at your breaking point? 
i was at mine too few days back but i didnt want to give up !
u said i have nth , yeah i have nth now ! happy???


i know you 've done me no wrong....i know i did !! 
do you know how i felt when u post everything in twitter...
make me feel like a failure..
tell the whole world how bad am i ! 
i  know you sure confine ur gfs for comfort.while i'm here just suffering alone..



WHY DONT U FREAKING TELL ME IN MY FACE AND COME TALK TO ME!


YES I'VE DONE YOU WRONG I DANCED WITH OTHER GUYS BUT I'VE CHANGED !!!
fuck I REJECTED ALL MY FRIENDS FOR CLUBBING FOR YOU ! DONT YOU KNOW...I KNOW YOU DIDNT ASKED ME TO BUT I HOPED YOU SAW THAT EFFORT !!!


 TIME OUT !? WHY AGN DONT TELL ME INSTEAD...! I HAVE TO GUESS EVERY MOVE AND STALK YOU TO KNOW???? YOU WANNA GIVE UP YOU WANNA TELL ME YOU'RE DONE PLEASE TELL ME  FACE TO FACE...


DONT LEAVE ME HANGING !!! SO MUCH I WANNA BE WITH YOU !  .....TILL I'VE LOST FAITH N HOPE TO THAT DAY BECAUSE YOU SAID WE KEEP QUARRELLING !TRUE ,,,, ~ BUT ....SIGH !!! I've MADE MYSELF UNAVAILABLE TO ANY OTHER GUYS BECAUSE TO ME I'M YOURS ~ I KNOW I'M AT FAULT, I'M NOT PUSHING ANY BLAME TO YOU OR STH...BUT I HOPE U KNOW HOW I FEEL ....I KNOW HOW U FEEL FRUSTRATED WHEN I DONT TRUST U AND ALL ~ BUT ITS A CLUB AFTER ALL ! SEEING YOU TWEET TO YOUR FRIENDS LIKE U CARE SO MUCH BOUT THEM MORE THAN ME AT TIMES ! ALL I WANT IS YOU FEEL SPECIAL AND THE ONLY ONE ...NOT SAYING YOU HAVE TO THROW UR FRIENDS ASIDE OR SEVERE ALL TIES WITH UR GIRL FRIENDS !!!

I KNOW BRINGING UP MY PAST IS an excuse but i'm feeling all insecure because of everything i've encountered...i know it isnt fair to treat u like this and all ...but you heard my stories known most of them ...i'm unlike ur ex'es......i'm different...probably i'm different to handle and all !~ i've also cheated on my ex.....knowing karma exist , hoping you wont be the one who will be my karma in return ~


we've been "tgt" for 7 months without any status....but to me we''re a couple...just that we dont celebrate our love,and hold hands in public..... i was so glad that ive found a good friend as my "bf" but now i guess its all gone....why did i put my hopes so high !~ now i'm the only one feeling disappointed , putting on a brave front and all ~ i guessed i probably didnt left a great impact in your life compared to the rest .~ i hope this time out gets back to time or we wld talk things out. feeing horrible miserable on my side...i wonder how bout you ?..but am so sick now i just wanna have peace~ all that i've been through last week was hell ....i bet you didnt know ~ 


youve stopped saying you love me , i know sth is wrong !~ or maybe i think too much !!


i've fallen so deeply in love with you ~


just tell me you wanna give us up so i will have no choice but  to leave ~


love,cress 

Overwhelming emotions:'( too much for me to handle or maybe my period 's coming thats why i feel more emotional :x dk if this is an excuse or its scientific proven ! Since NDP i already felt not too good . i've spent all my energy waking you up etc ..was kinda restless and moodless after that..end up i was kinda disappointed too  that we missed NDP but it was alright . After seeing your tweet, i guessed you were saying my heart and soul was somewhere else but actually not.! i know sometimes the both of us are glued to our phones when we;re supposed to spend quality time thats why i was damn sian :x!

sometimes when i ask you something or when i changed from all smiley to all quiet and all means something is wrong but i seldom voice it out :( i dont wanna spoil what we're enjoying.

monday sch started and all for me ...to be honest i wasnt enjoying any bit of it and i felt shitty bout sch but i forced myself to like it ! on tuesday i was so excited for you to get your marksman but apparently i dk why i didnt received ur text and all went into misunderstandings and all as after i saw ur checkin for supper and tweets i was damn upset all over agn ! liked  i wasnt the first to know and all . though its sth small it meant something to me .Wedneday you booked out , another night you went to club with ur army friends.. i went blading not keep my mind from thinking and all ! my friends saw you and said you werent with any girl. i felt good bout that night till you told me you were with ur girl friends too ! that killed everything...i dk what happened  , dont wanna know but inside its killing me. agn you smoked :( its no big deal but its bout how diff u were ..... rmb u chased after me when i was upset that you smoked..you cried and told me you tried ur best , its very diff etc ....i was fine bout it after !...the second time at helipad when u bought a pack of cigg, i said few stuff and you told me " dont make a scene here"  i felt !@#$%^& !!!!  and i know you always get frustrated and all  when i ask .....I dont wanna care and ask anymore seriously but thinking about how you deal with it from the start and now make me wonder ~~

yeah smoking bonds you and your friends tgt....prolly i'm not a smoker i dont understand but i know its easier to make new friends and all when u smoke but i really pray that you wont even smoke anymore even for any reasons...sometimes i feel like trying to be a smoker to know how its like so i cld be more understandable towards you !~ its silly  childish to have that thought but ....sigh

but i'm glad you cut down a lot :D

i always put you my first priority for everything ! i have my own plans but i wld always rather choose to be with you if i can though sometimes i out with my friends~after work on sat i saw that u were dying of boredom and all i wished i cld fly back !

you say we quarrel too often , yes i think so too ~ probably we nv really talk bout it . but i know we've passed the honeymoon period , being pretty too comfortable with each other now and all ~

there will be times i feel like giving up , i feel tired alrd....its getting nowhere....seeing you say you give up makes me even more upset....i wont give up till you really want it i guessed....

i'm so afraid that everything will just snap any moment and all will be gone ~

:'(

If only fairytale exist :')